Tales From The Crypt Dead Man's Greed
by nostalgiafan2
Summary: Two bikers, named Spike and Viper, both meet the girl of their dreams in a bar one day after robbing a store.  However, Amy isn't exactly as sweet  she appears...


Hey guys, I hope it's okay that I wrote this in play format.

Cryptkeeper: Oh, hi creeps, you just caught me in the middle of practice. Your old pal the Cryptkeeper has joined a barber chop quartet. Would you like to see one of our performances? I'll se if i can fit you into our SCAREdule. Let's see, tomorrow we're performing for the old folks reDIEREMENT home, then next week we'll be at the Bonetti's wedding SCAREamony. (laughs). I think i can fit you in between tonight's terror tale. Its about a couple of young bikers who will do almost anything to have a pretty girl, did i say almost? I call it "Dead man's greed".

Two bikers, named Spike and Viper, are in a tobacco store, ready to rob the place.

Spike: "Alright, so here's the plan, I'm gonna ask the clerk for a pack of smokes, when he turns around to get 'em, I'm gonna grab the cash outta the register".

Viper: "Then what?"

Spike pulls out a gun.

Spike: "Then I'm gonna shoot his ass dead."

Viper: "Wait, wouldn't it be easier if you kill him then get the money?"

Spike is silent for a few seconds

Spike: "Alright, we'll do it your way."

Spike walks up to the counter

Clerk: "Hello, what can i get you?"

Spike: "Oh, uh, all the money in the register will do just fine."

Clerk: "Are you trying to rob me?"

Spike: "No sir, I'm not trying to rob you, I'm tryin to kill you"

Spike pulls out his gun and shoots the clerk five times in the stomach, killing him

Spike: "Now I'm gonna try to rob you."

Spike jumps over the counter and opens up the register.

Spike: "Woooo! Viper, check out all this cash!"

Viper: "Damn! I ain't never seen so much cash in my whole god damned life before!"

Spike: "Yep, this sure is a shit load of money for a tiny little tobacco store. Come on, I'll grab the cash, you grab some smokes."

Viper: "You got it, Spike!"

They leave with the money and cigarettes and drive off on their motorcycles.

Hours later, they arrive home to their apartment

Viper: "Man, that was so easy, and fun!"

Spike: "See man, i told you, nothin to worry about. Like takin candy from a fuckin baby."

Viper: "Yeah, all i know is...

Viper stops talking because he sees a beautiful, red headed girl, named Amy

Viper: "Whoa"

Spike: "What are you whoain about?"

Viper points over towards Amy

Viper: "Her."

Spike sees Amy

Spike: "HOT DAMN! Well, what are we waitin for? Let's go introduce ourselves!"

They walk up to her

Spike: "Hey baby."

Amy: "Well hello there, and just who might you two handsome gentlemen be?"

Spike: "They call me Spike, you know, on a count of my short, spikey hair."

Viper: "And I'm Viper, you know, like the snake. But don't worry, i don't bite, unless you want me to."

Amy: "Well, i certainly hope you do. My name is Amy."

Spike: "Oooohh, even sounds sexy. So tell me, Amy, have you ever been with a biker before?"

Amy: "You boys are bikers, huh?"

Viper: "Yes ma'm, we are."

Amy: "Now call me crazy, but you two don't really look like bikers."

Spike: "Oh really? How so?"

Amy: "Well, 1. You're both lacking in the facial hair departement, 2. You're not wearing any black leather at all, and 3. Spike, Viper is the only one out of you two that has long hair, and its blond so i wouldn't really count it. Oh, and 4. You're both afully young lookin"

Spike: "My, you certainly know your stereotypes, don't you? We're in our 20's, by the way, not that young"

Amy: "Don't worry, none of that takes away from you guys' sexiness"

Spike: "Hear that, Vipe? She thinks I'm sexy."

Viper: "Um, actually Spike, i believe that she was talking about the both of us."

Spike: "Yeah, but mostly me. Besides, ten bucks says that you're hung like a 4th grader."

Viper: "Why you son of a...

Amy: "Excuse me, guys, still right here."

Spike: "Oh, right, so where were we?"

Amy: "Right in the middle of me decidin which one of you lucky fellas i'd like to go out with."

Spike: "Well, its obviously me"

Viper: "How can she go out with you when she'll be going out with, ME?"

Viper gives Spike a hard shove to the chest

Spike: "That's funny, cause i could've sworn she wanted to go out with, ME!"

Spike gives Viper a hard shove to the chest

Viper: "You cruisin for a bruisin, Spike?"

Spike: "Yeah, a bruisin on you!"

Spike breaks a beer bottle and points the very sharp edge at Viper

Amy: "Whoa, whoa, whoa boys, no need to fight over me. Why don't you go home for the night, decide how you want to settle this, and come back tomorrow. I promise I'll still be here."

Spike: "Sounds like a good idea to me."

Viper: "Me too."

Spike: "See 'ya, babe."

Spike tries to kiss Amy, but Viper pulls him away

Spike and Viper are in their apartment later that day, where Spike is watching the news

Newscaster: "Today tragedy strikes a local tobacco store as the clerk was shot and killed and all of the money was taken from the cash register. The suspects or suspect have not yet been identified. We hope to have more information as the days progress."

Spike: "Like takin candy from a fuckin baby."

Spike shuts the t.v off

Spike: "So listen, man, we need to figure out which one of us gets that sweet piece of ass, Amy."

Viper: "You know, i've been thinkin, should we really be fightin over some woman?"

Spike: "What do you mean?"

Viper: "I mean, is she really worth ruinin our friendship over?"

Spike: "Okay, first of all, i don't think you realize just how gay you sounded. Secondly, you're lucky i even consider you a friend."

Viper: "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Spike: "It means shut the hell up while i think of somethin!"

Spike pauses for a few brief seconds

Spike: "I got it!"

Viper: "What?"

Spike gets his gun

Spike: "Russiian Roulette, ten bullets, we each shoot five into eachother. Winner gets Amy, loser dies."

Viper: "Are you fuckin nuts?"

Spike: "You're right, i don't know what i was thinkin, let's just have a good, clean fight, may the best man win, and don't worry, i will, okay, now you throw a punch first."

Spike closes his eyes and waits for Viper to throw the first punch. Viper does nothing. Spike opens his eyes and sees Viper just standing there.

Spike: "What the fuck man? HIT ME!"

Viper: "I'm not gonna fight you, Spike."

Spike: "Well God damn! You don't wanna shoot eachother, you don't wanna fight, so how the hell are we supposed to settle this fuckin thing?"

Viper: "Maybe play rock, paper, scissors?"

Spike: "Rock, paper, scissors? Oh, that's nice, that's really nice, rock, paper, scissors, DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING TWELVE YEAR OLD!"

Viper: "Well then, maybe we could flip a coin?"

Spike: "You have got to be THE biggest pussy i have ever met in my entire life."

Viper: "Why don't you think of something then?"

Spike: "I already did, remember? Two ideas, and you hated both of them!"

Viper: "Well then why don't you think of something a little less sadistic and violent!"

Spike: "Okay, fine."

Spike pauses for a few more seconds

Spike: "Okay, i got it, we'll have a motorcycle race."

Viper: "A motorcycle race?"

Spike: "Yeah, you know that old school just a few blocks away?"

Viper: "Yeah"

Spike: "Well, they have a track we can use, we can have a ten lap race, winner gets Amy, so what do you say?"

Viper: "You're on!"

They shake hands

The next day, at the bar.

Amy: "Well, hello boys, i was beginning to think you wouldn't show up."

Viper: "Now why would we go and abandon a pretty little thing like you?"

Amy: "So have you boys settled your little dispute over me yet?"

Spike: "Yes, Amy, we have, and after a long debate over whether or not we should play russian roulette, fight eachother, play rock, paper, scissors, or flip a coian, we've decided to have a motorcycle race."

Amy: "A motorcycle race? My, how exotic sounding."

Spike: "Exotic, huh?"

Amy: "You know, i never said this yesterday, but there's just something i love about bikers."

Viper: "The race is on the track at the old school, i hope you'll be there tonight."

Amy: "Of course i wll."

Amy kisses both Spike and Viper on the cheek.

Amy: "May the best man win."

Amy leaves.

Spike: "Like i said before, i will."

Later that night, on the track, Spike and Viper are on their motorcycles and ready to race.

Viper: "Good luck, Spike."

Spike: "I don't need luck, bitch."

They start to race.

As they race, Spike tries to cheat many, many times, he tried to ram his bike into Viper's, but it just isn't enough, because Viper makes it across the finish line first, winning the race.

Viper: "YES! YEAH! WOOO!"

Spike: "GOD DAMN IT!"

Amy: "WAY TO GO, VIPER!"

Amy runs right up to Viper and kisses him and then hands him a piece of paper.

Amy: "That's my address and phone number, you can call or stop by any time you want."

Spike takes off.

Viper: "Thanks, i promise i'll come by tomorrow, i gotta get home and make sure Spike ain't too pissed."

Amy: "Okay, bye."

Viper: "Bye"

Viper takes off.

Viper walkes into their apartment after leaving the track.

Viper: "Hey, Spike, i'm back dude!"

Viper closes the door. However, Spike comes out from behind the door and starts to choke Viper with a biker chain.

Spike: "DIE MOTHERFUCKER!"

Viper: (through gasps of air) What... are... you... doin!"

Spike: "Takin what's mine!"

Viper dies, falling to the floor.

Spike: "Now that's what i call a choke chain."

Spike drags Viper's body down the hall.

Spike: "You know buddy, i always said you were dead weight, but Jesus Christ."

Spike opens up the elevator shaft and throws Viper's body down it.

Spike: "Don't worry about Amy, dude, i'll be keepin her company for you. In fact, i think i'll go pay her a visit right now. See 'ya."

Spike goes over to Amy's house and knocks on her door.

Amy answers.

Amy: "Oh, Spike, what's up?"

Spike: "Hi, Amy, do you mind if i come in?"

Amy: "Of course you can, come on in."

Spike walks in, smiling to himself, making sure Amy doesn't see.

Spike: "Listen, there's no easy way to tell you this, but Viper left."

Amy: "Left? What do you mean he left?"

Spike: "He said he was worried about being in a relationship with you, so he just left town. I'm sorry I to have to be the one to tell you that."

Amy: "But why? Why would he do something like this?"

Spike: "Because he's a coward, a selfish, pathetic coward. But don't worry, you got me."

Spike starts to kiss Amy, and she kisses him back.

One thing lead ro another, and they start having sex.

Spike: "OH AMY! AMY! AMY! YEAH!"

Amy: "OH SPIKE! SPIKE! SPIKE!"

Amy starts to lick Spike's ear.

Spike: "OH YEAH!"

Amy starts to nibble Spike's ear, then she bites it right off.

Spike: (Screaming in pain and horror) "GOD DAMN!"

Spike falls off the bed and his blood spreads all over the floor.

Amy: "You know, Viper looked good,, but you'll taste good just the same."

Spike: "FUCK YOU!"

Spike runs out of the room. He keeps running until he trips over a waste basket.

He picks up something that fell out. He's horrified to see that its a human skull.

Spike: (screaming) "FUCK! NO!"

He continues to run. He's halfway to the door when Amy comes out of nowhere with an axe and shuts the door and knocks him to the ground.

Spike: "NO! NO!"

Amy: "I told you there was something i always loved about bikers- the way they taste!"

Spike: "GO TO HELL YOU CRAZY BITCH!"

Amy begins to lift up the axe.

Spike: "NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!"

Amy kills Spike with the axe.

Hours later, Amy finishes eating him, and holds up Spike's severed skull.

Amy: "You know Spike, you were the best meal i've had in years."

Amy licks some remaining blood off of Spike's skull, then throws it into the waste basket with the other human bones.

(End) Cryptkeeper: Now that's what i call a maneater! (laughs). still, that Amy really knows how to work her way to a man's heart. And his liver and his spleen and his kidneys! Well, i better get back to my practice.

(Cryptkeeper starts to cough, and coughs up a live frog)

Cryptkeeper: What do 'ya know, froh in my throat! (laughs)


End file.
